Had a sudden and emotional revelation this morning...my 'survivor' anniversary is tomorrow...HOLY SHIT! It totally snuck up on me. There was a sudden panic, tears...it's always in the back of my mind. I never know what will prompt a reminder; it's something I will live with the rest of my life. But then there was joy...I am a fighter! Wow, what a roller coaster the last year has been! There is so much I have learned about myself, it's unbelievable!!!
Hearing you have 'THE BIG C' is something none of us ever wants to hear. It's a...the words are hard to find. It is a surreal moment. You go through such a range of emotions. There have been just a few moments where I let my diagnosis get to me. I've worked hard to have a positive attitude through the whole thing. Learning to deal with the medical world, pushing to get the answers and find a doctor who would listen to me and help me work toward over-coming the few symptoms that remain following my surgeries and treatment has been challenging, but I finally found one. He's a saint!
The constant and overwhelming fatigue fucking pisses me off (sorry, language)!!! My desire to be super fit and healthy remains, yet the exhaustion is something many do not understand and will never comprehend. We take for granted the 10 systems (yep - I said 10!) our thyroid runs and the huge impact it has on the body, brain and it's overall performance. Having a 'drug induced metabolism' as I like to call it, is not for the faint of heart! Dragging yourself out of bed in the morning, and fighting to not want to crawl back in it at 6 p.m. is challenging some days. Let alone get your booty to the gym! I appreciate the support and encouragement, but please understand and don't be upset or disappointed when I tell you I am tired. I know you hear those words cross my lips frequently and it probably makes you tired hearing me say it. It is a simple fact of my life right now, but I am working hard to get my energy back. If this is the only complaint I have, I am beyond fortunate! So many others have had it far worse, and I feel somewhat guilty yet incredibly thankful at the same time.
The lessons the last year has taught me are priceless. I am strong! Damn, I am stronger than I ever imagined. I've learned I have an amazing network of friends who have my six and have been there to encourage me and offer support at every turn. I am forever thankful, you have no idea what this has meant to me and my family! No longer sweating the small stuff, worrying if the table is set just perfect or the laundry isn't completely caught up is freeing - everyone should try it. So what if something isn't just so. I am not perfect either, nor do I ever want to be! It gives me something to work on, striving to always be better, to be a better person.
Appreciating the little things has become so important to me...time with friends and family, simple gestures, good music, stolen moments, laughing, a good glass of wine or bourbon and just stopping to take in what's going on around me (if you find me being quiet and simply smiling, that's what's going on - I'm just taking things in and enjoying the moment). I have purged the drama from my life and those who brought it. I also decided it was time to tear down the fortress I built around my heart and let go of the hurt and horrible things someone did and said to me many years ago. Low and behold, when you least expect and aren't looking...you meet someone really great! I am enjoying living in the moment and loving every second of it!
Who knows where this journey or life will take me. We are not promised a tomorrow, and for now I plan to keep wearing this smile on my face, celebrating every day as the precious gift it is, and telling those I care about how much I love them every chance I get!
Thank you to all who have been there for me through this journey and who continue to show me such amazing friendship, love, encouragement and support. I could not do it without you!
Celebrate life and live every day, love with all your heart!
All My Love,
Kimberly
